Sorry, that I was so absent on dA lately, but a lot of things happened in my life. Lot's of happy things, and, unfortunately, one horrible. I can't tell you, what happened, I'm sorry. It's too hard for me to get used to actual situation. It caused all the problems I have now, and I think that it's just the tip of the iceberg.WARNING! Lot of emo ranting below D:
Recently, I am so depressed. I feel like paralised - and it's almost a month since it happened. I know that it isn't end of the world - many people said me that. But for me, it's almost like an end. I feel so worthless right now. Like I can't do anything rational - and I know that it's all my fault. I hurt so many people, and I can't stop thinking about it. It's painful, and yet, it's so real. And I can't escape from it - even with my usual smile and jokes. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. And I know, that I shouldn't say that - but I just can't help myself. I try to be positive and do something, I really try. But it's hard, when you actually feel like a piece of crap.
I feel so hated at home right now. Maybe I'm unfair, maybe it's only me. But no one gave me any support, and I have to bear with it. I don't want to slander anyone, but it seems harder and harder to live here. Sure, maybe you think: "so just move out!" but it's not that simple. And I am so lonely and unfamiliar here. Of course, I have people who helped me a lot. I'm happy, that
, and my important friend, Katiś, was there - because they supported me in many ways. Especially Katiś listened every single one of my sorrows - I just don't want to be so emo for all my friends. Moreover, one of my friends dissapointed me a lot. When I told her, what happened to me, she said something like: "oh really? I'm so sorry" and started talking about her new boyfriend. I understand that she's in love, I'm happy for her because she deserves it, but for God's sake...!
Also, I became more lonely now. I haven't seen anyone my age for a month (to be precise, not in personal). My friend wants to visit me this Saturday, and I'm so scared. I'm scared of seeing anyone, and explain what happened. I hate all these questions, like: "what are you going to do now?" It's more and more difficult, every time. Due to complications in my life, I can't live with tsukishoujo
now. I miss her so badly D: She was the best roommate in the world, and she was probably the only person in the universe who could be with me all day and not kill me
Even better than a sister, because she had so much patience for me, and my crazy actions.
I've already faced the truth - I failed. I failed others, I failed myself. Now, I just can't believe that everything can change for better. It can only change from horrible to bad. All my optimism was taken away from me and I can't find it. I have to live with a thought, that my life is never gonna be the same.
I'm so sorry you guys. Maybe I sound pathetic. Maybe I sound very emo. Maybe I sound so pessimistic. But I need a lot of time. I'm so scared, because when I look at myself, I can't see the person I was at all. Like my every bone, every feature was crushed. It's like a freakin' nightmare.
I don't want to write only about sad things, I'll tell you about more happy moments that happened this summer. My only sister (now 26) got married in August, and we had so much fun at her wedding
At midnight, I caught her veil - and I'm not really happy about this, I think I was drunk back then
I've heard "awww, now it's your turn" about 2000 times ==' But more important thing is, that I'm gonna be an aunt!
My sis is gonna have a baby on April 9th (that's doctor says) and, of course, I'm already crazy about this little one ^^ Maybe even a little jelaous
I even registred on a pregnancy site
Now I know more about babies than mom-to-be
It's so exciting, I can't wait to know baby's gender
Anyway... Again, I'm so sorry that I was so idle here. I'll try to change that, but it's gonna be hard - I have over 1960 messages in my dA box and 2400 deviations to view. I just can't read journals of all my friends, because it would drive me crazy, so please, tell me, what's up with you now and so on. I'll try to catch up as soon as I can BelovedMy friends in random order (If I forgot about you, kick my ass ): *CLUBS*
Also, sorry for any crap in my english
Thank you so much for all the
s and all your support